Chef Steak's© ® ™ Viva La Revolución! Mojitos

I borrowed this using an unspoken promise
There is nothing more liberating than kicking back after a long hot day with a refreshing mojito. Nothing more liberating, except maybe the overthrow of U.S.-backed dictator Fulgencio Batista of Cuba on January 1, 1959 by the 26th of July Movement led by Fidel Castro. From endless hours at the office, to dreadful commutes in steamy subway stations (or to all you freaks out there - cars), to air conditioners that drip on you as you walk down the street. don't you deserve a treat? In the words of Fidel,

"If there is in your hearts a vestige of love for your country, love for humanity, love for justice, listen carefully... [make a mojito]

Ingredients

Every Cuban baby knows a good Mojito calls for 5 basic ingredients. they are:

Mint
And no, Doublemint gum will not do.

Sugar
This is the tricky part, for all you n00bs out there. For even a Cuban baby knows that sugar will not melt in cold liquids. Not even if you ask it nicely. Not even if you say "pretty please with sugar on top!!" on top of what? cold liquids? get the fuck out of my face. Therefore, either -

1) Use powdered/liquid sugar
2) Make your own by mixing sugar in boiling water.
3) Go to Taco Bell.

Rum
Even a Cuban baby knows how crucial rum is to this recipe. Without rum, this would just be poor quality lemonade. Without rum, do you know what you'd have?



That's fucking right. Are you happy now?

Rum is very important. There are many types of rum. Some are good, while some are quite bad. You can usually tell the good ones because they cost more money and have more professional looking labels. Sometimes with silly characters on them, like pirates, or parrots, or revolutionary figures, or mass genocide.

If you're new to the world of rum, Chef Steak© recommends you buy several types and drink until you finnd your favoritt. thatsf what we alwdsy do.aw

lime
Hey. Yufd know what rhymms with lime ? dime. ha ha HAhah. ha.

Club Sioda
Club soda her?! i bararelyy eavfn knoewe her. ahah AHHAHahhaa. HAHAHiuefsahfae

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Chef Steak's© ® ™ Summertime Hamburger for people who don't have a grill or a patio or a fancy rooftop overlooking manhattan but fuck you they got a k

itchen.
The hamburger showcased above went to hamburger hell, where it burned for centuries in a fire fueled by the guilt of the unkosher. Which ironically, only made it more delicious.

They say a man is never truly alive until he's elbow deep in ground meat.

Sure, you may have bought ready-made burger patties at your local supermarket and put them on the grill, hell, maybe you even went to McDonalds and picked out a Quarter Pounder (good job!) But have you ever embraced raw uncooked meat with your bare hands, bathed it in spices, molded it into a fully formed patty and paid for its college education?

If not, welcome to Burger School™. You'll be majoring in Awesome Flavors and minoring in HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO DELICIOUS. Be ready for an oral exam at the end of today's lesson. har har h ar etc.

Burger Ingredients

1 Pound Ground beef
Once more, young chef, you will face the dilemma of the ages. The conundrum many heroes have faced before you. (Namely - Hercules, Shakespeare, Einstein, and Marcel Duchamp)- To Organic Beef or not to Organic Beef? ©Chef Steak's stance: Your buck, your choice.

Also, I don't know who this Chuck person is but he has his own ground beef. So if you know the guy, get his beef.

More information about different types of ground beef. You're welcome.

1 Morbidly Obese Onion
OR
2 Freaky Looking Conjoined Onion Twins, You Know The Ones.
The Coney Island of the Produce Aisle. Freeeeakshow! Get the fuck out of here, Conjoined onion twins.
Finely Chopped
Remember, there's no crying in Burger School™. And there's no brying in Curger School™.

4-6 Cloves of Garlic
Mince it, into shape. Chop it up. Get straight. bow bow bwaba ba. neee neeeeu.

1-2 Tablespoons Fresh Basil and/or Thyme and/or Oregano and/or Xyanide
Just kidding, lolz. About the oregano.

1-3 Tablespoons Olive Oil
Olive oil her?! I barely even braised her!

Condomiments

1-2 Plum Tomatoes
Sliced horizontally, or vertically, depending on how you're holding it.

Romaine Lettuce
Do you ever think what Romaine Lettuce would sound like if it could talk? I always think he would talk like this "Hey oh, oh hey whatsa.. whats going on here guys? Hey oh you know me" basically like Tony Danza is what I'm trying to say here. I hope you have nightmares about this.

The revenge of the night of the dead of the Conjoined Onion Twins
They're baaaaaaaaaaaaack. THIS SUMMER. You're gonna cry.... FOR MERCY. SUMMER 2009 OPENING EVERYWHERE 3D IMAX.

1 Tablespoon Mustard
Get the good brown grainy shit. DO NOT GET THE YELLOW STUFF. If you get the yellow stuff you will get expelled from Burger School™ and sent straight to Ghetto Hot Dog Boarding School™, where hot dogs aren't just for eating.

1 Tablespoon Heinz Ketchup
Although The Steak Diaries Cookbook© ® ™ is currently an unsponsored blog, it hopes to one day be financially backed by Heinz. As such it implores you to use Heinz Ketchup. Heinz Ketchup. The Ketchup of Champions™.

1 Tablespoon Mayonnaise
Mayonnaise her? I barely even olive oiled her!

Whole Wheat Buns
In this context, buns of steel are strongly discouraged.

Preparation H

Wash your hands, Gerbil Jones.

For Hamburgers, I like VH1's ZZ Top Storytellers. But anything butch and manly will do. Whatever you do, do not put on Bridezillas. Or you might find that you accidentally made baked clams.

In a big masculine bowl mix the raw ground beef with the onions, garlic, thyme, basil and some salt and pepper. (SALT N PEPPER'S HERE! SA SA SA SA SA SALT N PEPPER'S HERE!)

"But ©Chef Steak, What should I mix it with?" YOUR BARE HANDS, CHUMP.

Its time to get those delicate manicured hands down and dirty.

Don't stop until you got greasy raw meat under your fingernails that will never come out and if one day you commit a crime and or a crime is committed against you and they use the skin cells from under your fingernails to see if you struggled the lead detective working the case will go "My god! We are dealing with a cow killer!"

Feel the meat. FEEL IT. LOVE IT. HOLD IT. BRAID IT.

Let the minced garlic tickle its flesh. Let the onion caress it like a summer breeze.

Once everybody's all settled in, cozy and comfortable, mold the meat into little patties. Or big patties, if you're a lardo, Lardo.

In a pan glimmering with olive oil delight, drop those patties down and let them sizzle like the Broadway production of Gypsy and then brown like the Broadway production of that Rosie O'Donnell show with Boy George that closed after like 2 weeks because it was just a festival of awfulness.

Here are some burger cooking tips from people who actually know what they're talking about (beef tips~ get it?!!)

• Generally, the higher the cooking temperature, the greater the shrinkage, so cook ground beef at a moderate temperature rather than high heat. Overcooking will result in a dry, tasteless result as the juices evaporate. (jerk.)

• To avoid ground beef sticking to your hands, dip your hands in cold water before handling the meat to make burgers or meatballs. Do not overhandle the meat when making patties. Keep a light touch and do not over-compact. (That's what she said!)

• Form burger patties to desired thickness and then make a deep depression in the center with your thumb. As the meat cooks and expands, the depression will disappear, keeping your burger from bulging in the center into a flying saucer shape. (Because we're trying to make meat, not send astronauts into space)

• Never use the spatula to press down on the burger patty as it is cooking. You will squeeze out all the juice and flavor. Poking holes in the burger with a fork also causes loss of moisture and flavor. Use a spatula or tongs to turn them. (Don't hate, spatulate!)

• Be sure the pan or grill fire is hot before you add the burgers. This helps sear the surface and seal in the juice. (Jokey joke joke joke)

Flip them over, then remove from pan.

Use paper towels, or your roommate's face, to remove excess oil.

Slap it in a bun with your favorite condiments and there you have it. Mm MM GOOD!

Chef Steak's© ® ™ Hangover Omelet

Is that omelet looking at me funny? YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS, OMELET? I WILL SCRAMBLE YOU SO HARD YOUR OWN MOTHER WON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR FACE

It is a known fact that Chef Steak™ is not a big drinker. That's because he has perfectly adjusted self-esteem and a wholesome sense of self worth. Still, the world of celebrity chefs is a hedonistic one, and because Chef Steak™ is a consummate professional, he sometimes finds himself, against his will, doing jello shots at fancy hotels and rooftop parties and snorting garlic powder and paprika off the naked glistening body of a Haitan prostitute called Tangy.

The mornings that follow these wild and crazy nights find Chef Steak™ so pained and exhausted that he can't even get up and make his usual steamed frog leg breakfast. That's when he turns to the one dish that never let a drunk down. The best friend of dead beats, hipsters and other random groups of people I could name here, and a proud sponsor of Alcoholics Anonymous, ladies and gentlemen, its the Omelette! or the Omelet. or the 0mlettz.

Legend has it the omelet was invented when two guys of undetermined sexual persuasions were trying to make scrambled eggs, but stopped mid-process to argue about the spelling of the word 'omelet'. By the time they were done, they looked at the pan, and lo and behold! an omelet was staring right back at them. Not unlike that creepy ass omelet still eyeing me at the top of this page WHATS THE MATTER OMELET?! YOU WANNA DANCE??!?!?

Of course the story I just told doesn't make any sense because why would two guys of undetermined sexual persuasions be arguing about the name of something that wasn't even invented yet? And why wouldn't I describe the kind of socks they're wearing? That's just ridiculous.

Chef Steak™ Idiom Corner: But you know what they say, you gotta break some eggs to make an omelet so long as you don't put all your eggs in one basket because then you'd really be in a hairy chicken and egg situation (hairy chicken and eggs. let that image simmer with you for a few seconds) and if you're gonna be a bad egg you might as well just take your knives and scramble the fuck out of my face.

Ingredients

3 Eggs
Remember how I'm always "oh the amounts are flexible just use however much you want"? Well not in this case. No. NO! BAD EGG! You will use exactly three eggs or you might as well just quit life.

A squirtle of Milk
What's a 'squirtle', you ask? Its a word Chef Steak™ invented to describe the amount of milk you put in an omelet. You can also call it a plopple. Basically just dip your milk container into your bowl until you hear a squirtle/plopple sound. Then stop. If you hear a kwabople sound you fucked up. Throw the ingredients into the trash and start over. This isn't Hippy Cooking School®. You don't just kinda sorta do things kinda the way you want to and then have unprotected sex all over it. There are rules here. Wanna go to a cooking school with no rules? Its called sitting on your sofa watching Charles in Charge. You're welcome.

Oh yeah and if you're gonna use 1% fat or fat free milk you might as well just use water, and just maybe move to another country far away from me.

I'm sorry, am I being too mean? Is the rare gift of culinary wisdom I'm imparting upon you too heavy for you to carry on your scrawny little shoulders? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Good things don't come easy. I hit you cause I love you, kid. Put some hairs on your chest. Or on your scars. And one day you will thank me. Now enough of this chick flick talk, get the fuck out of my face.

1 Athletic-build Onion, chopped
You know the kind. Not quite a six pack but you can sorta see some definition when you remove the top layer and flex.

2-6 Garlic Cloves, minced
Have you ever tried talking to a minced clove of garlic? They do great celebrity impressions.

1 Tablespoon Basil / Oregano
This is what separates the boy omelets from the man omelets. (once again, I'd like to summon the imagery of the hairy chicken and egg into your brain)

Please note that you can use dry herbs for this one. Your taste buds are hungover and probably can't handle the fresh stuff right now.

Salt and Pepper
Surprise! This dish, like many others, requires salt.

2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
What do you and olive oil have in common? You've both never gotten laid. Zing!

Additional fillings
Any vegetables you like / find in the back of your fridge / under the couch cushion. Chef Steak™ likes: Asparagus, Mushrooms, Peppers, Jalapeños.

Chef Steak™ Important Tips: Chef Steak™ loves tomatoes more than his own family members but he strongly suggests that you don't use tomatoes in your omelet. They ruin the solid crunchy texture of the omelet with their overflowing juicy goodness. So unless you're trying to make Omelet soup, leave the tomatoes alone.

Some people like to use cheese in their omelet. In fact some people say the very definition of an omelet is that it includes cheese. But some people are also active members of the KKK. So I wouldn't trust some people that much.

Preparation

On your way to the kitchen, don't kill your neighbor. What's the point? The cops will come, your eggs will burn. Sounds like a headache to me. And Chef Steak™'s already hungover. Leave the man alone.

Wash your hands, Apache Geronimo.

For Hangover Omelets, I like silence. I'm hungover, shut the fuck up.

Break some eggs and put them in a bowl. Remember, you gotta break some eggs to make an omelet, and you gotta break some knees to make lieutenant.

Add - A squirtle/plopple of milk, basil/oregano, salt and pepper.

Whisk. Whisk as if your life depended on it. Then whisk some more. Put the whisk down. Then pick it back up. Whisk damn you, whisk. Are you done whisking now? Good. Rest. NOW WHISK AGAIN!!!!

Heat up some olive oil in an average sized pan (as opposed to a freakishly sized pan), throw in the garlic, onions, and your other veggies of choice.

Let them brown and soften for a minute or two (don't burn the garlic! DON'T BURN THE GARLIC!) then put them aside in a bowl or a plate or on your roommate's head.

Now that your pan is well lubed, empty and ready to go, throw in your egg mixture (WHISK!!!!) and let it coat the entire pan like the shadow of a good year blimp. (I apologize for the sub-par metaphors in this entry, I got an awesome deal on poor quality metaphor 12-pack at Costco. HAD TO TAKE IT!)

Now is the tricky part friends. Now is the part that separates a good omelet from a broken piece of trash. Stare at the omelet, young chef. Stare at it and don't let it out of your sight. Once its in that in between phase of no longer super liquidy but not yet burnt as fuck, pour your vegetables on one half of your omelet moon and using a spatula (SPATULATE!!!) carefully lift up the other half and fold it over your veggies. This process should resemble tucking your infant child in at night. If your infant child was egg mix. And you were one sick, sick chicken.

Now, using the spatula, squeeze down on the folded omelet, like you would squeeze down on the head of your infant child. Violently, and with great force.

And voila! Omelet d'Hangover.

Chef Steak™ likes to eat his Omelet d'Hangover with tons of ketchup, because he had a rough childhood and never really grew up. But you don't have to.

Enjoy!!!

Chef Steak's© ® ™ Militant Israeli Salad

Picture was borrowed, not stolen

You might not know this, but although ©Chef Steak was raised and groomed in Atlanta, Georgia, he was actually born in Israel. As an infant, his mother used to mix finely chopped salad into his milk bottle, and after years of therapy and hypnosis he managed to extract the recipe from his brain. (using a revolutionary psychoanalytic process which hypnotizes the taste buds directly and communicates with them in a language not unlike that of porpoises)

For political reasons it is important to state that this salad can also be found in other middle eastern countries and even silly made up countries like "Turkey" and "Greece".

Nonetheless, the Israelis are territorial, industrious people, and after a long and gruesome 8 day battle they managed to conquer this salad and rename it The Israeli Salad™. From time to time the occasional Hummus will sneak in and try to set off a chickpea bomb inside the Israeli Salad™ Bowl, but other than that, it is a peaceful, productive and brotherly salad.

Now, if you've ever read a cook book (even a cook book of the 'For Dummies' series - in which case, go cry in the corner for 10 minutes, loser) you'll know that any decent salad recipe is prefaced with a paragraph or two of what I like to call "The American Salad™ Bitchfest". In it, the authors of said cookbooks (and I pwn them all) whine and cry and bitch and moan about the hilarious joke that is American Salad™.

But what is American Salad™?

American Salad™

I apologize, that picture is not entirely accurate. With real American Salad™, those lettuce leaves would be swimming in a sea of Ranch dressing (While Paul Newman rolls over in his grave. And somewhere nearby, Paul Newman's dog rolls over in his dog house. And somewhere nearby, Paul Newman's souvenir tumbleweed from the set of the film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) rolls around in his vacant backyard)

Like all those other cookbooks I can spend the next 2-5,000 paragraphs talking about the sham that is the American Salad™, from its anemic flavor to its anorexic nutritional value, to its bulimic presentation, and finishing off with its suicidal digestive properties.

But instead I'll just say this. BREAKING NEWS: SALAD SHOULD CONTAIN VEGETABLES. CRUNCHY, JUICY, MOUTH WATERING VEGETABLES. THEY SHOULD BE COLORFUL AND CHOPPED INTO BITS. WHEN I MAKE A SALAD I DON'T STOP UNTIL I SEE AT LEAST 6 DIFFERENT COLORS STARING BACK AT ME FROM THE SALAD BOWL. Take your loser leaf salad and get the fuck out of my face. And if you get within 20 yards of me with that nasty ranch dressing I'll splash it on my private areas and call social services. THAT'S HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME WHEN YOU USE IT, LARRY.

Now, where were we? Oh yes.

Ingredients

1 Medium Sized (i.e. - husky, big boned, healthy, wholesome, lardy) Onion
Remember, if you shed even one tear, someone from the Mossad will come over and break your legs. Then you'll have something real to cry about, Nancy.

2 Normal "I love you baby, size doesn't matter to me" Cucumbers
OR
1 Porn Star "This is gonna hurt, isn't it?" Cucumber

3-4 Plum Tomatoes
If you use cherry tomatoes or any other pansy variety I will find you and make a chopped YOU salad. Oh, how sweet and colorful you will be.

A Handful of Portobello Mushrooms

©Chef Steak Secret: Mushrooms freak Chef Steak™ out. They're just so slimy and creature like. But because Chef Steak™ is a consummate professional he still uses them. But he doesn't like to talk about them. Cuz they can hear. They're reading this right now. And they're not happy. OH MY GOD YOU WOKE THEM UP. THEY'RE. THEY'RE COMING. THEY'RE-

1 Green Apple
An apple in salad?! Fuck yeah. Now stop questioning and start chopping. Later when you have your first tongue-centric orgasm, you can apologize to me, you disputatious tramp.

3 Tablespoons Cilantro (Or Parsley), Chopped fine like your highschool girlfriend
And I don't want to hear any of that "oh that's not a vegetable, that's just part of the dressing, so its probably optional" crap. No. NO! Bad. BAD! Failure to use cilantro or parsley in this salad is punishable by death (or a month of forced labor in a gefilte fish factory) I know where you live.

1 Lemon
Yeah, lemon. Got a problem? I'm starting to get tired of your attitude, Prince Sassy Chops.

2-3 Tablespoons White Wine Vinegar
Not many people use White Wine Vinegar. But a lot of people enjoy hockey. So I really wouldn't trust the masses in important life choices.

You can replace White Wine Vinegar with Balsamic Vinegar. Of course you can also replace fine champagne with Miller Lite. If you're an idiot.

1 Tablespoon Olive Oil
Or Odie Water, whichever. (WORST BLOG JOKE EVER ALERT!)

Salt, Pepper
Yawn.

Preparation

It is extremely critical at this point that you do not, I repeat, do not, flush your ingredients down the toilet. At best, they'll be soggy, at worst, gone forever. So resist whatever urges overcome you now and stay away from the bathroom.

Wash your hands, Gremlin.

For Israeli Salad™, I like a dance-based reality competition. A fashion design-based reality competition works as well, though your salad might come out a little too salty. (Gay joke? You decide!)

Chop all ingredients real fine. Mix them in a bowl. Taste. Adjust.

Share with neighbors, roommates, loved ones, landlords.

Enjoy!

Chef Steak's© ® ™ Chili on the outside, Crazy Delicious on the inside

Disclaimer: This image was not not stolen off someone else who is not me and or found online at not unrandomly

If you're a fan of the unpopular but superb detective novel/cookbook crossover genre, then you probably smelled the next recipe coming from miles away. Or maybe you just read the title. Either way, congratulations, you can read. Collect your trophy at the end of this post.

Now, it is a known fact that Chef Steak™ is a world renowned, award winning chef and owner of several 4 star high concept restaurants in New York City, such as the famous Mexican-inspired "Dos Gueros Flacos®", Union Square's French "Bistro Le Connard™ ", the critically acclaimed Midtown Indian/Vietnamese Fusion House "© Tikka Bun Xao", Park Slope's very own all organic minimalist "Food™" (and take-out companion "Fast™"), Chelsea's Zagat rated pâtisserie "Pillow™", and who can forget Miami Beach's very own "©Cuban Cock".

But what very few people know about Chef Steak© is that he actually came from very meager beginnings, and one of the first things he ever learned to cook was Chili. Here is a story he likes to tell at culinary conventions and early morning talk shows.

"You see me now in this fancy suit.. but believe it or not I grew up as poor as they come. We were 3 children living in a humble if not distasteful 5 bedroom apartment. Can you imagine? To this day I'll never forget what sharing a bathroom felt like. We lived in a small fisherman town in Georgia. Perhaps you've heard of it, back in the day they used to call it Atlanta.

I'll never forget the day my mother sat me down on her lap and said 'lil Chef Steak©, I'm gonna ask you a question now and I want you to answer real good, you hear?' I nodded meekly, still not much more than a small boy-shaped reflection in her big brown eyes. 'What makes chili good?' She asked. I paused for thought. 'The beans, mama?' SLAP! right across my face. 'No, boy. Now try again'. 'The tomatoes, mama?' SLAP! right across my face. 'No, boy. Now try again'. 'The meat, mama?' SLAP! right across my face. 'Oh, forget you'. She sighed. 'It's LOVE, son. LOVE makes a chili good.' And then my mama slapped me so hard my jaw broke off. She loved me real hard my mama. That day I learned how to make chili good."

Now, it's no secret that people love chili. They love to cook it, they love to eat it, they love to fight over the best recipe and very rarely they go to war over it. (cold war anyone?) Lets face it, there's a reason Chili Cook-offs are slightly more popular than Lentil Soup Cook-offs.

So you should really consider it a gift that Chef Steak© was kind enough to share his secret childhood Chili recipe with you. Or y'all if you're into that kind of talk.

We don't mean to scare you here, but this chili is so incredible it demolished several villages, caused the annihilation of two third world countries and launched nuclear weapons into space.

We don't mean to scare you here, but this chili is so incredible it almost cured cancer once, but the university grant funds ran out.

We don't mean to scare you here, but this chili is so incredible it will shatter your world and shake your religious belief, as in a trance-like state you find yourself shunning your earthly belongings and clothes and sanity and walking naked in the streets with an enlightened expression on your glowing face and a finite understanding of why is how and where. And even as they pin you down in that ambulance bed, you will know the meaning of... contentment.

So strap a seatbelt on your tongue and lets get cooking.

Right after this brief intermission of chili peppers dancing.

The chili peppers depicted above are professional dancers and suffered no serious knee injuries while posing for this picture

Ingredients

Folks, if there's anything we can take from Chef Steak's© moving account of his childhood, its that making a good chili requires a lot of love. And I would add, playfulness. Meaning that there is no single precise formula that makes a great chili. You have to play with it. Like with a good woman. You have to feel your chili.

Perhaps the reason people like chili so much is because like the Great United States of America, Chili is a true melting pot, one that openly welcomes everyone into its brown shores (except maybe soap, and french people).

That being said, here are some guidelines to help you get started. Just don't be surprised if mid-cooking you look back only to see Chef Steak© isn't holding on to the back of your bike anymore. You can ride!

Chef Steak's© Whacky Meat Base
I failed to mention in the previous recipe that ground beef can also be substituted with ground turkey or ground chicken - but not ground pork, because hell has lousy kitchens. Even that vegetarian crumbled faux-beef can work here. Yes, vegetarians have their own version of ground beef! WHAT CAN'T THOSE CRAZY VEGETARIANS DO?! AND WHAT WILL THEY MAKE NEXT?! A VEGETARIAN SPACESHIP?

Chef Steak's™ Prophecies: World War III will not erupt among opposing religions, or even feuding nationalities - World War III will break out between meat eaters and vegetarians (led by the extremist Vegan Jihad). The Vegetarian Front will start out strong, but quickly grow tired due to low potassium and iron deficiencies. They will also complain about sharp headaches and ride around on their bikes a lot. Still, they'll strike with their best weapon - long pretentious speeches justifying their culinary choice, inducing voluntary comas among meat lovers everywhere. That's when Cannibals will stage their attack. But it will be short lived, as while preparing for battle atop an isolated mountain - they'll get peckish. Other sub-sections of the food consuming population will try to intervene but to no avail. Furries will attempt peace talks but retreat when they come to realize just how hairy the situation has become. Eventually, surprise, surprise, meat eaters will win. Well-fed and fully nourished, they'll smite down vegetarians and feed them to the vegans. FIN.

2-80 (16-ounce) cans Black Beans, drained and rinsed
You can use kidney or pinto beans too. IF YOU'RE A LOSER. Get the fuck out of my face with those kidney beans. Go back to Bean School™, Gassy.

2-3 Green Chiles / Habeneros / Any other spicy chili that when you rub on your eyes makes you scream like a girl who just lost her eyesight forever
If you're a man who loves pleasing a woman, you might enjoy the cleaning and de-seeding part of the process. Until, just like with a woman, three hours later your thumbs will catch on fire.

1 28oz Can Diced Tomatoes
Tomato sauce and paste work here as well, but Chef Steak© prefers diced tomatoes because they have a stronger presence, and like stubborn women in a male dominant workforce, they're not going anywhere.

2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
"Olive Oil her?! I barely even know her!"

2 Tablespoons ground Cumin
"I'm trying my best, Janet, but for god's sake, I'm only Cumin!"

Salt & Pepa
They want you to push it. Preferably really well.

1 Tablespoon Cinnamon
Call Chef Steak© outrageous, but Chef Steak© likes to put cinnamon in his Chili. You might call him unorthodox. But you know who else was considered unorthodox? Jesus.

Chef Steak™'s Fun Facts: As someone who could turn bread into fish (or something of the sort. Catholics? Help? Anyone?), Jesus was actually considered a great chef among his peers. An ancient scroll found in a hidden cave in the southern Galilee was thought to be written by Jesus' neighbor, in it he describes how late one night after quite a bit of wine Jesus turned to him and said that if this whole "turning the world upside down" business doesn't work out, he'd really love to start a nice restaurant. Maybe something by the water. Good food, good wine, good people. A quote from the scroll:

"And then Jesus turned onto me and spoke with great vigor, "What do you think of the name 'Olive Garden'?"

2 Tablespoons Parsley
2 Teaspoons Oregano
1 Teaspoon Paprika
Sorry, fresh out of jokes. Try again later. What are you here to be amused? I'M TRYING TO TEACH YOU TO COOK. Go take an improv class, get the fuck out of my face.

Chef Steak™ Secret Tip: A common mistake n00b cooks make is thinking "the more spices I put in my dish, the more flavor I will get! Wheee!". No. NO! BAD. BAD Disciple. BAD! Cooking is a lot like applying make-up (or fixing cars or something, go away, stupid men) - assuming you have fresh ingredients (see: not the face of a german shepherd), you want to stick to a few products that work well with each other, as opposed to everything you find pretty/delicious. Putting on too much spices will more often actually dilute the potent taste of your fresh ingredients. Especially if you're spicing with dried herbs and are a loser.

But say you went all crazy and had a spice party all up in your dish, it's not too late! This is how I salvage a dish of this type from spice-induced blandness - With Balsamic Vinegar (or any other kind of vinegar). A few drops will bring that zest right back. Unorthodox? Perhaps. But you know who else was unorthodox? Little Richard. Just a little something to think about.

Preparation

It is crucial that upon returning from the supermarket you enter your own house and not break into someone elses. If for no other reason, who knows what their knife set is like?

Wash your hands, or what happened in Germany could happen again.

For Chili I like to put on Beverly Hills 90210, which is conveniently broadcast on the 5-7pm slot weekdays on the Soap Channel. But no matter what you do - do not under any circumstance watch the new 90210, unless you're trying to make Chili Con Horrible Remake.

In an olive oil soaked pan, you'll be bringing Chef Steak's© Whacky Meat Base back ('cause those other ground meats don't know how to act)

Toss in the diced tomatoes, chili peppers, spices, beans, and anything else your little heart desires. (But remember, no French people)

The beauty of Chili is that the more you cook it the better it gets. So unless you're in a hurry, leave it on simmer and go on an Alaskan Polar Bear Rescue Expedition! Two bears, one stone!

Congratulations! You're done!

In the words of world renowned chef Dora the Explorer: "Yumyumyumyum - Delicioso!"

Chef Steak's© ® ™ Whacky Ground Meat Base

The ground beef depicted in this picture is a figment of your imagination. If it starts speaking to you, please see a doctor.

Ah ground beef. The champagne of ground things. And a key ingredient in many popular foods: Italian, Mexican, Greek, even Martian!

Chef Steak's ™ Fun Facts! Martians love ground beef! Of course, their cows are martian cows, and thusly purple, triple headed, and taste not unlike formica, but its still good to know, in case you find yourself there and their king orders to have you killed unless you cook some of their delicious local cuisine. Which happens more frequently than you'd think.

Baby, I'll teach you how to make beef so grounded, you'll hear it slam the door and yell "I HATE YOU! I WISH I NEVER CAME OUT OF YOU!" even after you cancel curfew.

At this point I'd like to stress that this is a base for other dishes and future recipes to be foretold on this site, not a dish by itself. So don't go browsing this blog and say 'oh cool, I'll make ground beef tonight'. No. NO!! bad disciple. BAD. Would you eat raw flour? Get the fuck out of my face.

Ingredients

1 Ghetto Supermarket
Friends, we live in fruity health-conscious times. Which means that even your ghetto ass supermarket has an organic section. This is good if you enjoy life and would like to prolong it for as long as possible, but it also presents you with painful, heart breaking dilemmas not entirely unlike the ones depicted in the film 'Sophie's Choice'.

So what do you go for? a few extra dollars in your pocket, or a few extra years in your life?

As a smoker, Chef Steak© is compelled to go non-organic. Because eating organic meat and then chain smoking half a pack feels counter productive. Like going on a salad diet and substituting salad dressing with pureed donuts. You follow? Stay with me champ, we gotta move fast. There's no zoning out in The Steak Diaries Cook School© ® ™ 2+2! 4+4! 8x-y=z! I SAY CHOP YOU SAY HOW FINE! Seriously though - it's your choice. Chef Steak© promises not to call you a fairy if you choose organic meat. But he might call you a nancy boy.

1 Pound Ground Beef
See above. Feel free to go for more pounds of beef. As the famous chef Coolio once said, "There aint no party like a ground beef party, 'cause a ground beef party don't stop".

20 Onions, chopped
No, friends. You don't actually need to use 20 onions. I'm just trying to make a point here. And that point is - you can never have too much onion. Have you ever heard anyone say "oh my god, there's too much delicious crunchy grilled onion in this thing, I wish there was less delicious onion in this thing". NO. Get the fuck out of my face.

30 Garlic Cloves, minced
Same here, haters. Only person ever worried about too much garlic is that one girl who, with mouth still full of delicious food, will croak "ohmagaahahhhh, this is so garlicy!!". First of all, 'garlicy' isn't a word. Second of all, kill her. Seriously, just kill her. Problem solved.

2 Green Peppers, chopped fine like your mom (Optional)
This works for most Mexican dishes, but not all Italian ones. Which should be obvious to you unless you're visiting from Planet Microwave©, in which case, sorry, borders closed. Take these Hot Pockets and get the fuck out of my face.

2 Spoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Sorry, we're fresh out of jokes about olive oil. Check again tomorrow.

1 Pack McCormick's Chili Seasoning Mix
Why use a prepackaged mix when Chef Steak© always preaches for fresh ingredients? Well lets see.

1) McCormick's slogan has always been "The taste you trust". And if there's one thing missing in the world of cooking, its trust. I don't know where your paprika's been. It looks filthy and disease infested. But McCormick? Man's a saint.

2) That's how Chef Steak©'s mother makes ground beef. So that's how Chef Steak© makes ground beef. And that's how you're gonna make ground beef. Or the next recipe I submit might be on how to make a ground YOU.

McCormick's Crib
Please notice that McCormick was kind enough to manufacture this mixture in three classic levels of spiciness - Mild (sometimes also listed as 'Stupid White Guy'), Medium, and Hot.

I recommend the Medium. Or the Hot if you're adventurous. If you were eyeing the Mild for more than a split second, I suggest you pack your knives and go to The Boring White Guy School for Bland Cooking with Crybaby Taste Buds© ® ™.

But fine, fine I can hear your whining all the way over here.

If you don't want to continue the proud McCormick tradition that's been running in Chef Steak©'s family for generations ever since we first discovered the mysterious McCormick Chili plant and raped it for everything it had, then you can make your own herb mixture.

In which case I recommend using any of the following:
paprika, thyme, cumin, cinnamon (if u nasty), chili, oregano, dandruff shampoo, your little brother

Preparation

At this point it is crucial that you do not get run over by a car. I cannot stress this enough. Very very important for ground beef. Do not get killed by car on the way home.

Wash your filthy hands, Germaine Dupri.

Put something shitty on TV. For ground beef Chef Steak© likes teen soap operas. But it's up to you. Just so long as its not PBS. Unless you like your ground beef tasting like plastic chairs. Get the fuck out of my face with that public television crap.

Steak™ Joke: Do you know what happens when you cook with NPR in the background? Your food will sound delicious and taste like bullshit. Thank you! Tip your waitress.

And now, to cooking.

Get some olive oil in that pan. spread it nice and even. Plop the ground beef in there. Listen for a sizzling sound (that means its working!) if the sizzling has an angry tone to it, and I mean real angry, like that beef is about to jump out from the pan and slap you in the face, Chef Steak© likes to add a little water to simmer things down.

Keep stirring until the beef is thoroughly brown. At this point Chef Steak© could easily make a disgusting woman-related joke about pink things, but seriously folks, we're cooking here. Bottom line, if you see any pink in your pan, you keep going.

Once your beef is all browned up, drain the excess fat and put it aside.

In a fresh / freshly washed pan, grill the onions and garlic (and optionally, green pepper) in olive oil.

Once they're past that awkward getting to know each other phase ("Oh hi, hi there. I like sunsets") TOSS IN THAT GROUND BEEF! YOU TOSS THAT IN THERE CHAMP! YOU JUST GO FOR IT! Good job.

Summon the spirit of the great Chef McCormick by sprinkling the bag of magic Chili powder dust on your beef. That should give it that golden brown hue that made you fall in love with it in the first place.

Stir for several minutes until everybody in the pan is fully bonded and had at least one "Do you ever like.. think about like.. life and stuff?" conversations.

And guess what?

Your ground beef is ready.

That wasn't so hard, was it? Way to go, champ. You just graduated n00b school.

Bonus points if you get Chef Steak©'s clever cultural reference

Chef Steak's© ® ™ Criminally Zesty Linguine

Note: The linguine pictured above is an actor. Any similarities are coincidental at best and morbidly criminal at worst.

Ah, Linguine. The pasta of champions. I must warn you, this dish will make your mouth explode. And by the time the police come around there will be nothing left to investigate. Because you just committed the perfect crime.

Fascinating Steak™ Fact: Linguine is often misspelled as Linguini. If somebody tells you they have a great Linguini recipe for you, report them to the culinary authorities immediately, where they will be maimed and tortured by poorly spelled weapons such as knimes and chotguns

Preparation Time: 30-90 Minutes (Depending on how many arms you have, in this case - the more the better)

Difficulty: 2x on a scale of (3y-z)(3y+2z)=x

Budget: $20, or 6-7 cows, depending on your local currency.

Ingredients

Clothes
Get out of your pajamas, asshole. (You can technically go to the supermarket in your pajamas, but that's not The Steak Diaries Cooking School© ® ™' way of life, you might be better off enrolling in the Hoboken, New Jersey School of Cooking for Losers Who Can't Dress Themselves®)

A Cheap Supermarket
Do you know what happens when you shop for ingredients at a fartsy supermarket? You get fartsy food. Your food will judge you. It will look at you in disgust. And it might just get up and leave. Also, your wallet will cry leather tears.

3-4 spoons Olive Oil
I don't care if its virgin, extra virgin, or extra extra virgin, so long as you didn't have to blow up a bus to get it. (topical humor! what CAN'T this cooking blog do?!)

2 Glasses of Cheapass White Wine
The best thing about my ghetto supermarket is that it sells $5 wine. The worst thing about my ghetto supermarket is that said wine tastes like chocolate milk. Be warned that cheap white wine tends to be sweet and thus horrible for cooking unless you like your dinner tasting like gummy bears. Bottom line, wine can be of poor quality, so long as its dry and not sweet. Bust out that bottle opener and throw yourself a private wine tasting party at the supermarket. Just make sure to do it in under 10 seconds before security comes. Because jail has lousy kitchens.

2-3 Lemons
A note for people who decide to substitute real lemons with bottled lemon juice - I hate to sound like a culinary SS officer, but I would not be entirely against your kitchen being moved to a concentration camp and your food getting gunned down into a giant culinary mass grave.

I mean sure, we can always substitute fresh ingredients for preserved ones, but at that point, why not just go to McDonalds?

3-8 Tablespoons White Wine Vinegar
White Wine Vinegar is the black sheep of the cooking ingredients family. Why? It makes everything delicious, yet nobody ever uses it. So it doesn't want to go to law school and its trying to make it as an artist. So it lives off your savings and does nothing but drink and party. Have some freakin long term vision, cooks! One day it'll make it big and you'll be the ones left feeling stupid.

4 Tablespoons Freshly Chopped Thyme
What's that? You already have the dried bottled stuff? Well, you know what I have? A menu for a Chinese food delivery place. Go order a Chicken Lo Mein and get the fuck out of my face.

2 Tablespoons Freshly Chopped Oregano (Optional)
If you use the dried bottled stuff you can optionally get the fuck out of my face.

1/4 Teaspoon Salt
If I really have to remind you to put salt and pepper on your food then we are in deep trouble. Not to sound cruel, but I hear Taco Bell delivers. Get the fuck out of my face.

1 (8-ounce) Package Linguine
"But Chef Steak®, you said we should only use fresh ingredients, and here you are using bought packaged pasta!" I'm sorry, there's a difference between using fresh fruit and vegetables and fucking making your own pasta from dough and whatever it is you make that crazy crap from. Do I look Italian to you?! Get the fuck out of my face.

3 Cloves Garlic, Crushed
Pause for a moment of silence in memory of crushed garlic everywhere, and the impossible struggle against postmodern oppression. If garlic cloves could speak - what stories would they tell?

1 Cup Minced Onion
what is this 'minced' stuff? just chop the damn thing up. Remember, there's no crying in baseball, and there's no crying in the kitchen. And there's especially no crying in the kitchen while a baseball game plays on TV in the background. So suck it up, pansy. Don't make me whip out that Pizza Hut menu.


Oh yeah did I mention there's fish in this? because there totally is. SURPRISE! That's how Chef Steak® rolls. Unexpectedly, like a puma. You got a problem with it? Why don't you go to Pansy Culinary School for Bland Cowards©.

Fish of Some Sort
Since Chef Steak® likes to roll like a pimp, Chef Steak® never decides in advance what fish he's going to use. Instead he just goes straight to the ghetto supermarket and sees whats fresh.

Helpful Steak™ Beef Tips: How do you know when a fish is fresh? Just innocently prance around the seafood section until you hear "You kiss your mother with those pants?!" That's a fresh fish right there. Slap it. And take it home.

Congratulations! You're almost ready to cook now. Only things left to do are:

1) Don't get gunned down or stabbed on your way home.

2) Put on something that insults your intelligence on TV. Like sports, or reality shows about brides that freak out.

Remember, if you put quality, highbrow TV in the background while you cook, you will end up with food that insults your intelligence.

3) Wash your hands. Unless you're making Pasta in steamed germ sauce.

Preparation

Helpful Steak™ Beef Tips: At this point it is extremely crucial that you don't smoke weed. Unless what you're trying to make was never a delicious pasta dish to begin with, but actually an orange Doritos stain on the sofa mixed with your own drool. In which case, congratulations! all done.

But you're right, you're right. Cooking sober is terrible. What are we, animals? What is this, wartime? Therefore the first thing you want to do is open up that bottle of cheap white wine. Pour yourself a glass! So what if its not even noon? You're not an alcoholic if you're cooking!

In a skillet, cook onion and garlic in olive oil, stirring constantly until tender, not brown. (This step is very important, especially if you're a member of the white supremacist onion group)

Stir in the White Wine (providing you didn't already drink it all, you lush), Thyme and Oregano.

Break out the lemons and have a crazy lemon explosion all over your pan.

Stir a little more. But don't steer, or you might crash into a tree.

Whip out your fish which should not be frozen or I will kill you. Wash them and pat them dry, softly whisper in their ear that they're doing a good job, then toss them in the pan with the sauce.

After their screams die down, coat them in the sauce, its cold in there.

Let them cook for several minutes, flipping them over occasionally until you hear them going 'Wheeee!'

Helpful Steak™ Beef Tips: How do you know when your fish is fully cooked? Poke it with a fork, you'll see that it starts to flake. Or ask it if it wants to go see a movie today and hear it flake out "Yeahhhh, you know, I'd love to but um, I'm actually really hungover?? maybe tomorrow?" Fucking bitch fish. Get the fuck out of my face.

Put the fish aside in a safe place where it can unwind from all the crazy shit it just went through.

While all this is going on, you were also supposed to cook the Linguine according to package directions. I would have elaborated on that, except this isn't the N00b Cooking School for Ultimate Beginners©, and you should probably know how to make pasta by now.

Meanwhile, back in your pan. So much sauce, all dressed up, and nowhere to go.

You toss that pasta in there! You Go!!! just put it all in there, girls!!!! Lets have some fun!!!!! Lets get a little crazy with our pasta!!!! Lets toss it all up in there!!!!! Just have fun with it!!! Cooking should be fun, right girls??

Yes, that wine sure is kicking in now.

Unite the fish and the pasta in holy matrimony of flavor on your plate, and that's about it. Call the flavor police because, girlfriend, you just committed delicious food in the first degree.

Summon your roommates, friends, lovers and pets, and enjoy a feast fit for a king of a small third world country.

Enjoy!