Chef Steak's© ® ™ Criminally Zesty Linguine

Note: The linguine pictured above is an actor. Any similarities are coincidental at best and morbidly criminal at worst.

Ah, Linguine. The pasta of champions. I must warn you, this dish will make your mouth explode. And by the time the police come around there will be nothing left to investigate. Because you just committed the perfect crime.

Fascinating Steak™ Fact: Linguine is often misspelled as Linguini. If somebody tells you they have a great Linguini recipe for you, report them to the culinary authorities immediately, where they will be maimed and tortured by poorly spelled weapons such as knimes and chotguns

Preparation Time: 30-90 Minutes (Depending on how many arms you have, in this case - the more the better)

Difficulty: 2x on a scale of (3y-z)(3y+2z)=x

Budget: $20, or 6-7 cows, depending on your local currency.

Ingredients

Clothes
Get out of your pajamas, asshole. (You can technically go to the supermarket in your pajamas, but that's not The Steak Diaries Cooking School© ® ™' way of life, you might be better off enrolling in the Hoboken, New Jersey School of Cooking for Losers Who Can't Dress Themselves®)

A Cheap Supermarket
Do you know what happens when you shop for ingredients at a fartsy supermarket? You get fartsy food. Your food will judge you. It will look at you in disgust. And it might just get up and leave. Also, your wallet will cry leather tears.

3-4 spoons Olive Oil
I don't care if its virgin, extra virgin, or extra extra virgin, so long as you didn't have to blow up a bus to get it. (topical humor! what CAN'T this cooking blog do?!)

2 Glasses of Cheapass White Wine
The best thing about my ghetto supermarket is that it sells $5 wine. The worst thing about my ghetto supermarket is that said wine tastes like chocolate milk. Be warned that cheap white wine tends to be sweet and thus horrible for cooking unless you like your dinner tasting like gummy bears. Bottom line, wine can be of poor quality, so long as its dry and not sweet. Bust out that bottle opener and throw yourself a private wine tasting party at the supermarket. Just make sure to do it in under 10 seconds before security comes. Because jail has lousy kitchens.

2-3 Lemons
A note for people who decide to substitute real lemons with bottled lemon juice - I hate to sound like a culinary SS officer, but I would not be entirely against your kitchen being moved to a concentration camp and your food getting gunned down into a giant culinary mass grave.

I mean sure, we can always substitute fresh ingredients for preserved ones, but at that point, why not just go to McDonalds?

3-8 Tablespoons White Wine Vinegar
White Wine Vinegar is the black sheep of the cooking ingredients family. Why? It makes everything delicious, yet nobody ever uses it. So it doesn't want to go to law school and its trying to make it as an artist. So it lives off your savings and does nothing but drink and party. Have some freakin long term vision, cooks! One day it'll make it big and you'll be the ones left feeling stupid.

4 Tablespoons Freshly Chopped Thyme
What's that? You already have the dried bottled stuff? Well, you know what I have? A menu for a Chinese food delivery place. Go order a Chicken Lo Mein and get the fuck out of my face.

2 Tablespoons Freshly Chopped Oregano (Optional)
If you use the dried bottled stuff you can optionally get the fuck out of my face.

1/4 Teaspoon Salt
If I really have to remind you to put salt and pepper on your food then we are in deep trouble. Not to sound cruel, but I hear Taco Bell delivers. Get the fuck out of my face.

1 (8-ounce) Package Linguine
"But Chef Steak®, you said we should only use fresh ingredients, and here you are using bought packaged pasta!" I'm sorry, there's a difference between using fresh fruit and vegetables and fucking making your own pasta from dough and whatever it is you make that crazy crap from. Do I look Italian to you?! Get the fuck out of my face.

3 Cloves Garlic, Crushed
Pause for a moment of silence in memory of crushed garlic everywhere, and the impossible struggle against postmodern oppression. If garlic cloves could speak - what stories would they tell?

1 Cup Minced Onion
what is this 'minced' stuff? just chop the damn thing up. Remember, there's no crying in baseball, and there's no crying in the kitchen. And there's especially no crying in the kitchen while a baseball game plays on TV in the background. So suck it up, pansy. Don't make me whip out that Pizza Hut menu.


Oh yeah did I mention there's fish in this? because there totally is. SURPRISE! That's how Chef Steak® rolls. Unexpectedly, like a puma. You got a problem with it? Why don't you go to Pansy Culinary School for Bland Cowards©.

Fish of Some Sort
Since Chef Steak® likes to roll like a pimp, Chef Steak® never decides in advance what fish he's going to use. Instead he just goes straight to the ghetto supermarket and sees whats fresh.

Helpful Steak™ Beef Tips: How do you know when a fish is fresh? Just innocently prance around the seafood section until you hear "You kiss your mother with those pants?!" That's a fresh fish right there. Slap it. And take it home.

Congratulations! You're almost ready to cook now. Only things left to do are:

1) Don't get gunned down or stabbed on your way home.

2) Put on something that insults your intelligence on TV. Like sports, or reality shows about brides that freak out.

Remember, if you put quality, highbrow TV in the background while you cook, you will end up with food that insults your intelligence.

3) Wash your hands. Unless you're making Pasta in steamed germ sauce.

Preparation

Helpful Steak™ Beef Tips: At this point it is extremely crucial that you don't smoke weed. Unless what you're trying to make was never a delicious pasta dish to begin with, but actually an orange Doritos stain on the sofa mixed with your own drool. In which case, congratulations! all done.

But you're right, you're right. Cooking sober is terrible. What are we, animals? What is this, wartime? Therefore the first thing you want to do is open up that bottle of cheap white wine. Pour yourself a glass! So what if its not even noon? You're not an alcoholic if you're cooking!

In a skillet, cook onion and garlic in olive oil, stirring constantly until tender, not brown. (This step is very important, especially if you're a member of the white supremacist onion group)

Stir in the White Wine (providing you didn't already drink it all, you lush), Thyme and Oregano.

Break out the lemons and have a crazy lemon explosion all over your pan.

Stir a little more. But don't steer, or you might crash into a tree.

Whip out your fish which should not be frozen or I will kill you. Wash them and pat them dry, softly whisper in their ear that they're doing a good job, then toss them in the pan with the sauce.

After their screams die down, coat them in the sauce, its cold in there.

Let them cook for several minutes, flipping them over occasionally until you hear them going 'Wheeee!'

Helpful Steak™ Beef Tips: How do you know when your fish is fully cooked? Poke it with a fork, you'll see that it starts to flake. Or ask it if it wants to go see a movie today and hear it flake out "Yeahhhh, you know, I'd love to but um, I'm actually really hungover?? maybe tomorrow?" Fucking bitch fish. Get the fuck out of my face.

Put the fish aside in a safe place where it can unwind from all the crazy shit it just went through.

While all this is going on, you were also supposed to cook the Linguine according to package directions. I would have elaborated on that, except this isn't the N00b Cooking School for Ultimate Beginners©, and you should probably know how to make pasta by now.

Meanwhile, back in your pan. So much sauce, all dressed up, and nowhere to go.

You toss that pasta in there! You Go!!! just put it all in there, girls!!!! Lets have some fun!!!!! Lets get a little crazy with our pasta!!!! Lets toss it all up in there!!!!! Just have fun with it!!! Cooking should be fun, right girls??

Yes, that wine sure is kicking in now.

Unite the fish and the pasta in holy matrimony of flavor on your plate, and that's about it. Call the flavor police because, girlfriend, you just committed delicious food in the first degree.

Summon your roommates, friends, lovers and pets, and enjoy a feast fit for a king of a small third world country.

Enjoy!